I’m OK and I’ll be OK, but too many people around me are not. I’m angry about this. To reiterate, please don’t read anything into this about me personally. Even being unemployed, I have means and access to everything I need to survive comfortably. And this is precisely why I’m so damn angry now.

Like many, the pandemic landed me in a place of Isolation and Sadness. But while I wrote about those feelings only a month ago, a lot has changed since then. The overwhelming feeling a month ago was that we were all in this together. No matter how bad it was, we were sharing collective grief and sadness and uncertainty and all that.

But as the US has begun to reopen, everything has changed. Some are still feeling united and continue to, collectively, grieve and act responsibly. But many are acting as if the pandemic is over. And unless we all act responsibly, we’re all at risk.

Yet there is this very tough question, “what does it mean to act responsibly right now?” This is where I get really angry. Our leadership has completely failed us. There is no clear way to act responsibly. Sure, anyone who cares about not getting, or transmitting, COVID knows to:

• Wear a mask
• Wash your hands
• Don’t touch your face
• Keep socially distanced
• Avoid crowds, especially indoors

But even for those that care, abiding by these guidelines is a patchwork effort at best. This makes every moment outside of our own homes a gamble, and a stressful one at that. Even the simplest acts, like going to buy groceries, becomes a brain melting exercise:

• Am I wearing a mask?
• Did I touch something I shouldn’t have?
• When was the last time I washed my hands?
• Can I touch the items on the shelves I might not buy?
• Are people too close to me?
• Why are there still touchscreens in use at the cashier?
• Has the touchscreen been cleaned?
• Why do I feel so stressed just buying milk and eggs?

This is most definitely not an exhaustive list. It is damn exhausting, though.

I made it clear that I’m angry at the failures of our leadership and I won’t go deep into that one – it’s a pretty common feeling these days. I’m also angry at the state of global affairs and here’s another incomplete list of some of these matters:

• Police brutality
• Systemic racism
• Confederates (you’re drunk, go home)
• Marginalization of [INSERT ANY OF TOO MANY GROUPS OF HUMANS HERE]
• Shifts from Globalism to Isolationism 
• US bailout of corporations instead of Americans
• Election interference (likely resulting in election results we don’t trust)
• COVID spikes as a result from predictably irresponsible behavior
• Continued uncertainty as a result of the pandemic

With all of this weighing on the world, it’s hard to not be impacted negatively. Everyone will react differently and it sort of feels like we’re all working through the Five Stages of Grief – but in random order. Personally, I’m really fucking angry. I want to yell and scream. I want to break things. I want to burn things down (metaphorically more than literally, but not entirely.) 

In the early days of COVID it was “comforting” to know that the virus impacts everyone equally. But this hasn’t been true in reality. Many of the same marginalized groups that we as a society have ignored or actively pushed down are getting infected and dying at higher rates. I’m especially angry that all of this is preventable, even if we can’t stop the virus itself.

Then there’s another, less tangible target to my anger. All of these factors are taking their toll on different people in different ways. I’m watching the mental health of people I know and love deteriorate in terrible ways. I’m seeing people forced to make seriously unreasonable decisions, often because of the behavior of others that they cannot control. I see way too many good people in really bad places; with no path out of those places. I wonder just how long they (and I) can survive in these conditions. It makes me —- ANGRY. (Seeing a theme here?)

We’re already seeing so many people and places trying to get back to “normal life” without any care or concern for others around them. It makes me mad as hell. This is a type of anger I’ve never felt before. It also has a magnitude I’ve never felt before. I’m not sure how to handle this. Arguably more importantly, how are those in tougher places than me able to handle this? It has me worried.

And angry. Very, very angry.

We’re well into the third month of social distancing and isolation due to the COVID pandemic. It’s really become exhausting. I mean, it was exhausting from the beginning, but for me, I’ve been “OK” for awhile. I don’t feel OK anymore.

Let me be clear from the start – I’m in a better position than most. Other than losing my job (and I can afford to be unemployed for quite a while) I have everything I need: means and access to food and shelter, my isolation is with my wife (who I adore) and our dog (who loves us, but wants some alone time to actually sleep) and our apartment is very comfortable.

But this is all logic. Let’s talk about emotions.

Continue reading “Isolation and Sadness”

I’m in a dark place right now. It will pass, and I know that. I’m very good at focusing on that light at the end of the tunnel, no matter how dimly lit it may be. But in the meantime, I want to embrace the darkness. I don’t want to ignore it. I don’t want to deny it. I want to feel the darkness.

The short story is that my brother witnessed a freak accident that took the life of a close friend. It wasn’t a fast moving event. It was slow and painful. And there was absolutely nothing he could do about it. Nothing.

Continue reading “Why Won’t The Tears Come?”

It was a Monday afternoon and life was going well. Earlier that day I’d accepted a new job offer and was very excited. The prior weekend was full of love and energy. The winter holidays, and some exciting plans, were approaching. By all accounts, everything was terrific! Yet I was feeling, I don’t know, kind of, melancholy. At the time I’d have said I was feeling “down” or a “low level of depression” but as I pondered my mood, I realized these weren’t accurate.

So, the first revelation was complete: I was feeling melancholy. Now, for the second revelation, what, exactly, does melancholy mean? Or, at least, mean to me? Continue reading “What Melancholy Means to Me”

I raved in the 90’s, when I was in my 20’s. Now I’m approaching 50 and I’m raving again. Some people ask me why I rave. Others, more often, ask me how I can do it “at my age.” Almost always the (mildly insulting) question is meant as a compliment. Often, the statement is, “I don’t know how you do it! Wait. How do you do it?” I’ve been asked about this enough that I figured I’d compose my thoughts here.

Age is a state of mind

We’ve all heard the adage, “age is a state if mind,” and I’ve always appreciated this. But until a few years ago, I didn’t truly embrace it. Sure, since I started cycling almost a decade ago I’ve felt younger. But MAMILs (Middle Aged Men In Lycra) like me on road bikes are hardly the exception these days. And most of my contemporaries exercise regularly.

Continue reading “How (and Why) I Rave”

Life’s Direction

For a long time my wife and I have talked about tattoos. We both really appreciate them and neither of us had any, mostly because we couldn’t think of what we might want to have on our bodies forever. About 6 months ago, I began to settle on an idea, and now my first tattoo has become a reality. Over the 6 months, it became a “project” involving several people and I could not be more satisfied with the final result.

Origin of Life’s Direction

Many of my close associates at work have tattoos. In fact, of the 15-person team I belong to, only three didn’t have a tattoo when these conversations began. So, of course, this group of friends was very encouraging while being mindful not to pressure me into doing something I’d regret. And seeing as how this took half a year, I clearly didn’t act hastily or without careful thought.

Continue reading “Life’s Direction (a Tattoo Origin)”